mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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