dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
