forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
