That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
