any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize