never play flip cup with pint glasses
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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