I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
