I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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