sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
