I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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