just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
