Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
