I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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