We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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