So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
