i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
