i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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