Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
