Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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