I can't watch pbs sober anymore
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
