Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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