i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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