is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize