Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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