Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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