I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
