He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
