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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
