I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
