Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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