I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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