yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
