so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
