Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
