my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
