ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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