i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
