Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
