Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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