How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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