And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
