Apparently you make a good broom.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
