you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
