Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
