last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
