If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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