I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
