I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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