Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
