I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
