i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
