i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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