I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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