I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
