Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
