then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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