oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
