Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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