Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize