so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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