By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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