made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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