it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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